Raison D'être

Lisa — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 10:13:46 +0000

I have discovered the secret to living with a hyper child in the throes of the terrible two’s: Locks and keys. Lock every door in your house. Keep the keys to the doors on a chain on your person. It takes a bit more effort but it cuts down dramatically on clean-up time and damage control.

Oh, and keep your bathtub cleanser on a really high shelf. If you don’t they tend to empty it on your living room floor, take off all their clothes and roll in it.

Oh the bright side the living room smells nicely of citrus now.

Lisa — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 20:24:21 +0000

Today has been one of those days where when no matter how carefully I plan to get things done, absolutely nothing whatsoever gets done. I have no clue how this happened. For instance, I was up at 5:00 this morning showering my daughter and myself in anticipation of the coming day. We got the full treatment before the sun even rose – shower, fluffy towel dry, do the teeth, spritz a little cure in the hair, the works. We returned to the bedroom at 6:00 all soft and delicious and went back to sleep until the boys got up.

After my husband left for work I got a load of clothes together and made the haul down to the laundry feeling smugly responsible. I loathe doing laundry but by jimmy I was doing it anyway. I was owning that laundry. Then… excuse my bluntness… it all went to hell. I came back upstairs, went to my pc to check my mail, and twelve or so hours later, much of which is a blur, I remembered I had a load of laundry downstairs that needed my attention. The rest of the day was wasted but I could save that one load at least. Or so I thought.

Upon approaching the washer and steeling myself to go through the motions that accompany each and every trip… opening the dryer door, taking the plastic removable thingie off the front, feeling my mind begin to drift and go numb, tip the water container up on the top to drain, cursing mentally because it takes for fargon ever, unloading the wet clothes, putting the next load in, wondering if other women find this as hair-snatchingly tedious as I do, wondering how my routine would vary if I tried a shot of vodka in between each step… Heh… okay where was I… I approached the washer and found the clothing I’d put in this morning still dry and dirty in a washer with no detergent, no fabric softner and which evidently hadn’t been turned on. *SIGH* Now I’m up until 23:00 tonight so I can put them in the dryer and that 5:00 mother-daughter time this morning isn’t looking like such a good idea.

In other news I had the weirdest dream. I was fighting a crowd of people, most notably a man who was dressed as a nun with a habit the colors of the German police. The crowd was verbally abusing me because I’d inadvertently wandered onto a beach where a stunt man was jumping his parachuted horse off a platform across a lake. Evidently the horse looked down at me wandering across its path, missed its cue and fell. It wasn’t hurt, just slightly injured. Its leg was scraped or something. The chute broke its fall. What in the world this is all supposed to mean I have no idea other than it was extremely satisfying clocking that nun.

Lisa — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 14:00:42 +0000

You know what? I’m for never letting my weight be an issue on this blog again. I am so incredibly tired of worrying about/harping on/pondering/wondering why/railing against unfair treatment/etc., I’m just ready to get on with it. There is so much I’m missing wasting time wondering why. There is NO WHY. It just is.

That said, moving on… maybe things will get a little more interesting. One can hope. :)

Oh, one more thing before I do, to everyone who ever gave me a look, an exaggerated eye roll, gawped like a carp, made it impossible for me to sit with/near them, got up and moved altogether, took down their glasses and said “Bitch, please…” in the train station, tut-tutted, gasped, whispered excitedly to a friend behind their hand and pointed, frowned and blew, talked about me loudly as if I was something nasty that couldn’t understand them, laughed, or was otherwise invasive when my body is none of their f’ing business, etc., etc., etc.:

To everyone else: Have a great day!

Just another day in the life of a fat woman.

Lisa — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 12:49:57 +0000

Here’s something I don’t understand. I’ve got an appointment in another town and have to travel. We all get up, shower, dress in clean, color-coordinated clothing. The baby is in light pink polka-dotted leggings and a snow white tee with matching pink Hello Kitty sandals. The boy is wearing skater pants, Nikes, a cammie t-shirt. I’ve got on a khaki sleeveless cotton shirt with tucks and a knitted lace inset, longish and just a bit flared at the waist so it fits nicely and doesn’t accent my bulgey bits. With that, gray/brown grunge jeans (no holes), new Fila low top Converse-style casual sneaks that match the jeans. I’m wearing my gold circle earrings and watch, with a brown stone circle on a leather strip around my neck. This all goes well with the khaki shirt. I spritzed a little Chanel Mademoiselle on my midriff before leaving and by the time I reach the train station the scent is already diffused.

Here’s the “Huh. Well…?” part. After the appointment is over I walk back to the train station to wait for the ride home. The benches we usually sit on are full so I walk to the other end where I see plenty of space. The bench on our side of the track, consisting of about six seats, is occupied by one young man and one young woman. As I walk up the young man puts a large garment bag over four of the seats so I can’t sit down, opens a snack bag, turns away from me and proceeds to eat. The young woman, looking at him with a baffled expression on her face, gets up and moves over one seat so I can sit down beside her. The baby is in a stroller so that leaves the boy and me. I sit down first and invite him to sit on my lap. It’s too uncomfortable for everyone involved, including the kind young woman, so I get up and walk a little way away, where I see the benches facing the other track are empty except for one man in his late twenties, early thirties. I tell the boy “Come on, we’ll go sit over here and when our train comes we can still see it”, but I know this is going to be difficult because our back will be to it and we’ll really have to concentrate.

As I begin to sit down, the lone man occupying the other end of the bench immediately gets up and walks away. The boy brings out his phone and begins silently playing a game with the sound off. The baby looks quietly around her at the birds in the station. As I watch the man walk away to stand elsewhere and wait, I assume, because there aren’t any other seats available, I wonder why no one wants to be in close proximity with me. I wonder because this happens frequently. Like every day frequently.

In case you haven’t experienced this personally let me try and explain. Have you ever had to be in close proximity with other people, in a grocery, in a department store, in a line waiting at the bank, and someone came in who smelled like a bottom that hasn’t been washed in about a week. Or more. If you’ve had that happen and looked at the people around you you’ll notice they have public reactions to the offending party. Some want others to know they’re being inconvenienced so they’ll be vocal about it. Others have reflex actions and they’ll make a face and show their feelings a bit before they gain control and get over it. Others will simply move away. That’s how it is with me. It’s like I have an offensive odor or something, and I know that’s not true. In fact I smell rather good. I don’t look dangerous. I’m quiet and don’t bother people. I don’t attempt to chat or talk inappropriately. My clothing and shoes are high end. My children are well cared for and mind their manners, and they also look and smell clean and nice. But the fact remains that I can clear out an area, a corner, a table, a row of seats, within minutes of my arrival. People are that grossed out and uncomfortable with someone who is as overweight as I am. I’m 5’10″ tall and weigh about 330lbs/150kg, give or take. I’m a pretty big woman but I can still buy clothing in a retail store, and my behind doesn’t knock around leaving victims in its wake. I mean, let’s be realistic. I can sit in one seat on a bus without lopping over into the next, but there’s no way anyone will sit anywhere near me. Good thing my life doesn’t depend on it or I’d have been dead a long time ago. I can still sit in an airplane seat too, without having to buy a second. In fact, I don’t have trouble getting in or out of a chair at all, if that’ll give you some kind of picture of what my body looks like. It’s noticeably big but doesn’t have its own moon or anything.

Still, no matter what I’m wearing or how nice I smell, or how hard I try to be polite, quiet and unobtrusive, I’m treated with contempt wherever I go just like that person whose dirty body you can smell. I’m treated like I’m offensively dirty and disgusting. People either openly show their disgust on their faces or they pretend I don’t exist, or hurry away to stand a distance off and whisper behind their fingers if they’re with someone. Or roll their eyes and act put out if they’re alone.

Here’s the part I don’t understand. How can my simply existing in a space at the same time someone else is there be so utterly offensive? How can the mere sight of me cause people to leave the area? I’ve seen etremely dirty, definitely oderous, most likely mentally challenged homeless people tolerated with more compassion than I am. People hate fat that much. And you wonder, if you wonder at all, why our children are starving themselves to death.

Weigh-In: July 14, 2010

Lisa — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 13:00:59 +0000

Starting weight: 331.3
Today’s weight: 325.6

Total lost since last week: 1.5 lbs.

Total lost to date: 5.7 lbs.

Weigh In: July 6, 2010

Lisa — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 08:07:03 +0000

Starting weight: 331.3
Today’s weight: 327.1
Total lost to date: 4.2 lbs.

Weigh In: June 29, 2010

Lisa — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 13:35:56 +0000

Starting weight: 331.3

Today’s weight: 328.4

2.9 lb lost

Weigh In: June 15, 2010

Lisa — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 14:05:50 +0000

Today’s the big day! :D Welcome to everyone who found me via the contest and best of luck to us all. May we come out of this thing a little lighter and more confident we can achieve our goals. So to business: My weight this morning was 150.6 kilograms/331.3 pounds (2.2lbs in a kg).

Hello big white feet! I love you, you hard little workers, you. Who’s my good foot, huh? You are! :D Strangely enough my misgivings this morning weren’t whether or not I should reveal my weight publicly, but whether I should post pictures of my poor ravaged feet. *lol* But I figure, hey, full disclosure, right? I really should do my nails, though, sheesh. I’ll make that a goal for next week. Until then!
(¯`v´¯)
.`·.¸.·´
¸.·´¸.·´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ .·´ ¸

Lisa — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 19:28:08 +0000

Tomorrow is the first day of the weight loss challenge I’ve entered and I’m excited and looking forward to it. You can’t tell of course but trust me, my face looks like this –> ^_^ I’m also putting together a couple good luck totems to carry until the contest is over. Not because I think they’ll help me win a prize, but to help me remember each day when I awake and every time I go to the kitchen to put something else in my mouth what my goal is. If I post my weight on time and get to the finish line, having lost the appropriate amount of weight or not, I’ll consider that a personal best. Well I’d better get off to bed. Tomorrow is the first weigh-in and I’ll get to see just how much damage that Ikea food did last week. Nite nite everyone!

Summer 15 Challenge

Lisa — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 15:47:48 +0000

I don’t know if anyone’s noticed the button in my sidebar but over at Plus Size Bloggers they have a new contest coming up called ‘Summer15′. The challenge is to lose 15 pounds this summer in a 12 week period. That doesn’t sound so hard does it? And get this, during the last contest thirty people signed up but at the end only seven remained. Of those seven a drawing was held and three were awarded prizes for their perseverance. How about them odds, huh? While I’ve got your ~~ear~~ eye, do I sound greedy to you? Because if I don’t you’re not ~~listening~~ watching closely enough. Those who know me know I’m all about the getting of prizes, so let me say that once more loud: EASY. PRIZES. FUN COMPETITION with REALLY COOL and MOTIVATED PEOPLE. So what are you waiting for? You know all I’m gonna do is write another post complaining about my landlady’s cats. Go sign up already! June 15th is the deadline so you don’t have much time left. Now scoot! :)